Perspective
by RaptorJuice
Summary: Shepard's strategy for coping no longer serves her against the darkness of coming days. But she does not need to cope alone.


This was a familiar dream. She was experienced with it, accustomed to the narrative. It was almost comforting.

Until, of course, the final moment.

Shepard awoke, sweating, panting, and glancing fervently around her cabin. Afraid.

_Well that was annoying._

These days, she associated fear with weakness. Always had done, if she was honest with herself. Being the brave little soldier girl, pushing the pain far, far back into her mind, that was what she had learned. That strategy had served her well so many times.

But if her dreams were any proof, it was no longer adequate.

She gazed at Liara, lying next to her. As she scans the lines and contours of her face, Shepard remembers, as if it was a thousand years ago, what she had said to her.

"_I am not looking for a protector."_

Before, she had been the survivor, the saviour, the one who shouldered her wounds and burdens.

And now Liara's homeworld burned, a billion miles away.

The water poured down Shepard's back, the freezing liquid lashing the well-developed musculature of her shoulders. The crash of innumerable icy droplets onto her naked body and the tiled floor filled the air, the cacophony smothering all other sounds. The redheaded woman shut her eyes, desperately trying not to think, desperately hoping the water would block out her thoughts as well.

It was a while before she felt Liara's presence behind her. Clad only in a plain nightgown, the archaeologist stepped into the shower, and sat down next to the Commander with an expression of concern.

"Dreaming again?"

Shepard stared distantly at the wall.

"Yeah."

Liara sat down next to Shepard, and draped her hand around the soldier's taut shoulderblades. She rested her head against the other woman's neck, not caring that her clothing was being drenched.

They sat together for many minutes, showered by the deluge. No words were spoken, for no words were necessary.

Suddenly, Liara noticed a change in her lover's body. Her fists became clenched, her jaw tensed. She began trembling slightly as Liara turned to face her.

The dam burst, and Shepard wept, silently. Liara embraced her, holding her tight through the worst of the storm. The Spectre seemed unbearably angry with herself for losing control like this, even in front of the one who knew her most intimately. Liara held her for so long, as Shepard's tears ran down the other woman's back.

Shepard muttered a command, and the water stopped. The cascade ceased, leaving only silence in its place.

"Crying." said Shepard, exasperated and disgusted. "I am fucking pathetic."

Liara's eyes sparked with concern. "Shepard, you are the bravest person I have ever known. Don't feel that you have to hide any part of yourself from me."

Shepard lifted a pale hand and stroked the asari's neck. The sensation of her soft skin was a welcome shelter from the storm inside her.

"Shepard," said Liara. "Tell me."

She did not know how to explain it.

"Liara, I.."

She paused, pensive.

"In the Alliance," she began uncertainly, "they taught us not to think."

"What do you mean?" asked Liara softly.

"We were taught not to question the bigger picture, not to think about why we were doing what we were doing. You don't think about the odds, about what's at stake, about what might happen if you fail. You just follow orders, and do your job."  
Shepard gazed around, her expression haunted.

"We were taught never to consider the context of our missions. We just focused on what we were doing at the time. It wasn't that we thought we'd never fail, we just didn't have time to explore the possibility."

"That makes sense." said Liara tentatively. "From a military perspective."

"I thought so too."

They sat in silence, enshrouded in the cold and wet sensation, feeling nothing but the other's breathing.

"It worked for so long." said Shepard suddenly. "That's what got me through time and time again. That's what got me through Virmire, Illos, the Collector base, so many missions. I never stopped to consider what the fuck I was doing, I just did it, and I led everyone else through it too."

Liara stroked Shepard's nape softly, her eyes bidding the Commander to continue.

"Think about it. Nobody had ever survived the Omega 4 relay. The odds of us being the first were... not good. But I couldn't think about that. I just treated it like another Alliance mission, get in, do the job, get out."

Liara gazed into Shepard's eyes.

"But not anymore."

Shepard stood up suddenly; dripping wet, and strode over to her bed. She collapsed like a marionette, strewn upon the mattress.

Liara stood over her.

"Ever since earth, I... I can't help but think about the scale of what we're trying to accomplish. And it kills me, Liara."

The Shadow Broker lay beside her lover, resting her head next to the other woman's naked shoulder.

"The Reapers have destroyed all life dozens of times over." said Shepard. "What the hell makes me think we can survive?"

"None of the others had a warning. None of the others had a whole galaxy, united. None of the others had you."

Shepard stared at Liara, and it was all she could do not to cry again.

_She really believes in me._

Not knowing what to say, Shepard simply embraced her.

"The dreams are the worst." she said eventually. "It starts in the forest, as usual, but then... everyone is looking at me. Everyone I failed to save. Kaidan, Thane, Legion, Mordin. Then I turn, and see the, millions that have died in this war, and the millions that soon will. And they just look at me."

Liara held Shepard tightly. After some time, she spoke.

"Shepard, I have faith in you. And so does everyone else. And I know," she said, before Shepard could interrupt her, "that the fact that everyone believes in you makes it harder. But remember _why_ they believe in you. The best person to save the galaxy is someone who has done it before."

Shepard felt, miraculously, a little better.

"I knew there was reason I kept you around." teased the soldier.

Liara smiled as they held each other, drifting off into the darkness.


End file.
